Last week I declared that I was taking time off of facebook to listen to myself. Today I invited the people in MYG to join me in staying offline as much as possible this week. This week is about honoring YOU and listening to your inner voice by writing, painting, drawing and not seeking outside feedback. We can’t hear ourselves or our guidance as well when we’re looking for approval or agreement. I write for myself. I write to discover what I need to say and what I need to hear. I'm not trying to figure out what other people want me to say. If I need to hear it I figure there are other people who need to hear it as well. People sometimes get mad at me because I don't want to have a lot of discussion about what I write or what I say. Those of us who had the validity of what we were seeing, feeling, experiencing, thinking, saying or creating constantly questioned or challenged- it's important to trust our own "this is what matters right now" and talk, write, and make art work about it.
If I'm not being real there's no way I can insist on my clients being real. We waste way too much time trying to figure out what other people find inspiring. If I'm not inspired there's no way I can inspire anyone else. When you have an impulse to express your self do it!!! Stop wondering if you should say it or do it in a differently.
If you're not sure what you want to say start writing about what's going on in your life. What keeps showing up? What are you riled up about? What's irritating the shit out of you? What inspired you today? Do you create time for inspiration to strike?
Who cares what marketing people, your business coach or your friends have to say about it? There are people who are thirsting and hungering for what pours out of you. When I started publishing my first punk litzine I had no idea what kind of an impact it was going to have. All I knew was a) I was tired of having to hide parts of myself b) I had nothing to lose c) I wasn't the only one who felt _______.
Here's where I was at:
(from Lobster Tendencies Issue 3 February 1983)
I had to fully claim this history and not let it limit or define me. I also knew I couldn't live in fear of judgment about "Who was I to ____?" "What right do you have to write about other people's lives?" "Aren't you concerned about hurting people?".
Honestly I wasn't concerned about that. Why? Because I'm cold? No, because I saw the "hurt" silence and pretending had caused and what they cost my family. I was concerned with stopping the pretense. I was also highly annoyed at the pretentiousness of who had a "right" to write and whose stories were worth telling. My boyfriend (at the time) had graduated from a prestigious arts college and was widely thought of as a genius. His friends treated me like an idiot savant or as a chick who was dabbling but would never be as brilliant as he was. (It won't surprise you to hear that I repeated this pattern for a good 20 years)
For the past month I've been thinking about how long I spent in the role of black sheep, scapegoat, the "bad" one and /or the troublemaker. When I wasn't reveling in those roles, I was trying to make other people "bad" so I could be "good." I was trying to make myself "right" which meant someone else had to be wrong. The weight of being (or feeling) measured against standards, morals and rules that weren't my own was taking up a lot of time and energy. (Saturn finger- bottom zone- we need "codes" - more on this during Journey Though Your Hands-starting again in August)
This morning I was thinking about the phrase "the heart wants what the heart wants." I've had friends say that to me when I was involved with people that others found confusing. I hear this phrase when people fall in love with someone taboo or off-limits. I was playing around with "the body wants what the body wants." Have you ever heard anyone say that one? Like it's okay if the impulse or urge is coming from the heart but not okay if it's coming from the vagina, penis or solar plexus?
Why is there this idea or belief that the impulses of the body under the heart aren't to be trusted? When people say "I had a gut feeling" - it always seems to be tied in with something that ended up going bad or that they shouldn't have trusted someone. Maybe because some of our guts are so dense or hollow that they're not registering joy, pleasure or excitement?
The fear of getting in trouble, doing something wrong or being judged seems to move around from the root, belly and the solar plexus to the brain.
I felt like doing cartwheels when the words "I Welcome Judgment" appeared on my path. Way to turn the "God will Judge You" warnings upside down. Ask yourself How much time and energy am I wasting not doing what I want to do to avoid judgment?
I don't have to defend or rationalize what I'm doing and neither do you. What matters is that we are living according to our guidance and our Inner Divine Will. If God's will and Divine will are outside of us (like they were in my childhood religion) it takes away our power and our responsibility. It takes away our creativity. This week let's focus on that - What is my inner divine will trying to get me to pay attention to? What is it calling me to feel, see, touch, love, create? What is it calling me to fight a little harder for and what is it calling me to walk away from?
When we work together I am going to hold you to expressing your Purpose. I am going to say things that you may find "judgmental." If it hurts it's either true or we are afraid that is true. Sometimes pain/hurt is there to help us pull the plug on the old story playing loudly in our head so we can listen to our inner divine will.
I know the buzzwords are "grace and ease" and I know that I've seen people knocked to their ass to get them reconnected with their inner divine will. It will be easier if we give up having to know the whole plan and all the details and take action on the first step. When I told you I saw you were going to write a book, or move, or be on stage in front of a lot of people - you may have gotten paralyzed in the what, how, when, who. We know the WHY is because it's part of your purpose. The question to ask is - What's the first step?
If we wait to take the first step until we know the whole picture we may stay frozen or keep spinning. I trust that taking the first step shows committed and that commitment reveals more steps.
We'll be looking at guidance, trust and first steps on my call on Wednesday.
The Truth Teller is Welcome,