What is your biggest secret?
When I was a child I felt I had to beg for forgiveness. I could give you numerous examples of 'things' I did that may have made me feel this way. And it ran much deeper than that. I felt I could never do anything right and that I had to beg for forgiveness simply for existing.
My attempts to 'prove' myself worthy of love and attention- as you can imagine - did not turn out well within the walls of my childhood home. I mostly tried to win love, approval and attention through my creations. I began writing at a very young age and won a lot of awards.
Even then I had a hard time feeling I deserved the attention/reward/award when it came. My father helped with a rhyme for a drawing + poem about a dog. When I won first prize I said I couldn't accept the award because I didn't write the whole poem myself. I remember the kind face of the teacher as she tried to tell me "Everyone's parents helps them."
I broke down crying unable to articulate the depths of shame I felt. Mostly at the fact that my 37 year old father who had lost his mother at the age of 5 - was pretty much only capable of helping me with a line in a poem.
I had no idea this was going to bring up so much emotion- then or now as I am sitting here bawling writing this. And I 'typo-d' 'righting' this -which I am also doing.
You can see in my collage from a few years back my sense of having to beg forgiveness from God, from my mother, from an inchoate sense of "I must have done something _______ to _____ this."
I took the fall in our family or felt like I did. We could look at the way each person took their own version of the 'fall' - schizophrenia, control freak, obesity, alcoholism, anorexia, addiction.
My primal "fall" - the sense I had of being cast out, not belonging, in exile led to many years of wandering. Emotional, physical and spiritual wandering.
My Pluto. Saturn and Chiron workshop takes you deeply into your Chiron, Pluto and Saturn. I feel these are the 'signatures' in your chart- that if you don't fully FEEL them in your body and understand how you are to work with them during this life- we can feel really stuck and f*cked up.
Exploring these 3 aspects of your chart with me will help you come home to the abandoned, betrayed and disowned parts of yourself.