The last newsletter I sent out was about me blowing up on my mentor. A few days later someone blew up on me. This was excruciatingly painful - some of what she said was "true" and some of it was not. But like in any great movie or book we'd be missing what's "hidden" if we focus too much on what's going on - on the surface.
If you're reading this newsletter you've either been in a situation like this or you want to be. (Hold Up! Did she just say I want to be in a situation where I blow up on someone or have someone blow up on me? I thought the whole point of this was to not ... ) I tend to draw in a lot of clients who have been told they can't be _______ and I draw those buried feelings up like a poultice or magnet.
What's buried in one of us draws up/calls forth what is buried in the other. This is never in my experience one-sided.
People I talked to tried to say "It's about her." "Don't take it personally." etc. You know I don't believe that. It would have been "easier" for me to think that and I would have missed an opportunity to step up. Because after all I did just write "Tension is a call to Step Up."
The other angle is people say "It's all about me." "I created this." "This person is a hologram." Maybe. I get that we see things/people as we want to see them and yet if there is to be a relationship there needs to be an ongoing conversation. I can pretty much stay in there for anything because I know what it felt like to not be loved unless I didn't talk about/feel or act xyz. Sometimes we don't "like" people who make us uncomfortable or that we feel "exposed" or "seen through" by, but that doesn't mean we or they are unloveable.
"It is in our inarticulate moments that we express ourselves most truly." - John Ridley
I love that quote. I just spent weeks* in the life line which is the Root chakra in our hands. Many of the things that we are afraid of began in the root before we had words. When we were pure raw desire and need. How many times have we heard or said "She's too needy?" I used to hate people who showed their needs. Why? Because I wasn't allowed anything beyond "basic needs" as a child. I pushed away and refused to expose any vulnerable parts of myself (except in writing) until well into my 30's. And some things there are no words for - which is why I picked up a camera and a glue stick (lots of collages)
Back to the blow-up. Doesn't matter if the other person wants to participate in the aftermath with us or not. We can use that as an excuse- they don't want to talk so I'm off the hook. Nope.
We're going to have to FEEL it and not push it away by rationalizing or rising above the pain. Because that is the only way each one of us sees what is true in the words that have been said to us over the past few weeks and what is not true in those words.
Not because we don't want it to be true- but because it really isn't true. I had to take a very deep look at some things that were uncomfortable to look at. Luckily I have a trusted advisor who loves me and won't let me bullshit myself. I also had to take a deep look at my willingness to take sh*t in that is not mine. (Empaths you know what I mean - you're probably doing this.) Some of it is about me. Some of it is about the other person. Not all of it is about them. Not all of it is about me.
One of the messages of the Taurus New Moon (on May 17th) was being "Worthy of Love."
Take a glance back over the past month and see what came up in your life around this theme. This is deep stuff and there's a huge "healing" here if you are ready to breathe as deeply into it as you can. Move towards rather than away. If it wasn't about love, look at where feelings of worthiness came up, it could have been about money or "value."
Was thinking this week about how we swim in our shit and piss in utero. Some level of it must feel nourishing, familiar and comfortable to us.
My guides were talking about 2015 way back in 2010. How many opportunities we were going to be given for massive change this year. By the calendar we are 5 months into 2015. By my guides we are 2 months in (they started the new year in April)
This is a huge cleansing period. And sometimes we have to get really down in our dirt to appreciate that cleansing.
I will continue to share deeply personal stuff. The benefits to me and to anyone who feels or who might have felt similarly are worth it to me. Remember it's a law of nature that things held down have to rise. And what causes blow-ups? Built up pressure. Holding things in. Denying how we feel in the name of being "spiritual."
When you Meet Your Guides you meet all of yourself. Especially the parts you were told to chop off. So many people can't hear/trust/see/feel or believe their guidance because the "message" is something that they're not willing to hear. I invite you to ask yourself "What is Loving?" and "Where did I get that idea/definition from?"
Does loving mean swallowing, glossing over, tolerating, allowing, accepting, not judging, appreciating, applauding, supporting? Does it mean you are not loving if you say you are jealous or angry or hurt? Is it loving or not loving to tell the truth? When am I telling the truth to "hurt" and when am I telling the truth so we can become closer? What is Loving? What is Intimacy? What does being intimate mean?
Since I was a little girl one of my most intimate relationships has been with my guides. This was comforting and lonely. To anyone who says you are never alone since you have god or guides - yes maybe and we're humans in a body to experience intimacy that is risky, vulnerable, brave and has a cost. When we meet our guides we meet all - all of ourselves. It brings to the surface everything we have buried. And then we go through a sorting process where we decide what to give life and energy to. Being intimate with our guides can add to the intimacy with other people or it can push us deeper into ourselves and leave no room for other people it's our choice. Some things that sound "loving" are really a way of bypassing discomfort.
Anything we tolerate and say it doesn't matter, or I don't want to be judgmental etc, doesn't take away how we really feel- and it will either eat away at us, the relationship or blow up in our faces.
I try not to run away from blow-ups because a blow-up can be a clearing where we can really start to love ourselves and the other person.
Is it painful? Hell yeah! Am I always able to do this? Hell no! Grateful to have friends and clients who are willing to get real.
I made a commitment when I first started doing this kind of work that I would be Pluto for people. And I recommit to that today. Someone has to help us bring what is hidden to light. Someone has to help us love what we perceive to be unlovable and not try to flee.
I do my best. I'm learning every day. And I'm no longer willing to beat myself up or allow other people to beat me up or shame me for the things I excel at. Interesting twist- being shamed for our deepest gifts, right? I've been writing and talking about this for awhile but really FELT it this month.
A few years ago I had a huge a-ha about my romantic relationships. Here it is:
The qualities that attract us to people often end up being the ones that we complain about or want them to change.
The qualities that attract people to us often end up being the ones that they complain about or want us to change.
That may seem super obvious. I guess I didn't truly get that it applied to all relationships because here it is now showing up in my working relationships.
Let's take a moment and feel the depth of "I'm not nice" so I'll fall in love with someone who is. "I'm not charismatic" so I'll fall in love with someone who is. "I'm not _____" so I'll _____."
If you do this ask yourself - why? Do I have to be different to be loved? Is something missing in me? Am I worthy of love? Do I have something that when I achieve it, then I'll be worthy? (weight, income level, title, fame?) Or I am postponing happiness by making do? (Accepting scraps,crumbs, good enough?)
Client sent me an e-mail last week sharing a huge breakthrough she had as a result of me saying something she had been strongly identified with was "not her." I invited her to feel into and journal on it.
Sometimes 'breakthroughs' come 'easily' and sometimes we're pouting, screaming, sulking saying "I don't want to look at this." "I don't want to have to do anything differently" "I don't want to give up _____."
I started bawling when I read what she wrote because I am familiar with the "I can't be happy until _______." "I can't have/don't deserve love until __________."
I read the e-mail while walking to the gym for a session with my trainer. I broke down crying with her. She started crying. The whole day was a beautiful "chain reaction" to one person having the courage and trust to look at "What if _______ isn't who I am?" from a really deep place in her body. (not in an intellectual or spiritual "that question can never be answered way")
Because of this I'm going to add in a self-love component to the next Meet Your Guides. I'm doing a preview call about this on Thursday 5/28 at 11:00 a.m. pacific time. The call in number is 605-562-3140 access code 504598# I will be giving away a few gifts to 3 people who are live on the call.
I've been sleeping and dreaming even more since those Scorpio Full Moon (May 3rd) fall out/aftermath incidents and I am deeply grateful that so much cracked open in me (even thought like I said it was excruciatingly painful) because I honestly don't think I could have said "I love myself" until now.
It can be much harder than we think to break away from our "distractor demons" and face what we are really afraid of. We will do this and more during Meet Your Guides.
More on this tomorrow.
p.s. *Journey Through Your Hands my 12 week series going through the major lines and some markings in your hands is fascinating me! I'm learning things my mentors didn't teach us. The most transformative year of my life was spent going deep into my hands. There is still time for you to jump in on this series. http://denisedee.com/journey-through-your-hands/
p.p.s. You do not need to have your hands read by me to participate but I will mail you an inking kit so I can look at your handprints during your hot seat.