I often felt like I was being pressured to confess to things that I should feel bad about but didn't. I know some of you understand that! Another reason to love writing and art. Because many of my favorite artists and writers are unapologetic about what they've done and how they feel.
If art and writing aren't the forum to be confessional in - what is? Is that only reserved for church and the courts? Those of us who are artists and writers or "different" need a place to connect with others who say "I've felt like that." Not to comfort us but to FREE us.
After I sent out my newsletter yesterday I saw that Snoop Dogg had been corrected to Dog. I was so embarrassed. I was also embarrassed that I didn't spell out the place where I purposely shifted from "We ain't goin out like that." to "I ain't goin down like that." and that you would think it was as mistake.
Why is this such a big deal for me? I was told I had a speech impediment as a child and that my thoughts weren't clear. I struggle with wanting to be clear and resenting having to slow down and spell things out. I slip into "Nobody spelled things out for me." "I had to figure it out on my own."
I know that most people are not scanning for typos or other people's mistakes. And yet it kicked off a litany of shaming thoughts in my head about what other people were thinking. When I wrote about kicking the shit out of my father's shins or pulling a knife on my mother I was not embarrassed or wondering what you would think about me. Yet a typo had me feeling like quitting or giving up. Like you would think I was pretending to be someone I wasn't - an insider when I'm still an outsider.
My brain fills in blanks. I have a really hard time seeing missing words. It's really embarrassing to admit I don't have an assistant proofreading for me. I've been saying for years that I was going to hire an assistant and never did. I'm spending way too much time transcribing calls. And I realized this morning as I was typing up a report for someone that indeed I have chosen a stage that is too small for my capabilities.
I keep hearing myself saying the words "Applause, appreciation and approval" to my artist clients. Some of us who think of ourselves as "outsiders" have a hard time admitting we want approval. A few calls ago we were reflecting on "Whose approval did I really want?" Why? Because we are probably never going to get it from that person and we may be holding ourselves back by not admitting how much it hurt to not get it and/or by refusing to move on from feeling hurt. We can be using "hurt" as a defensive weapon and because of that hurt we may be hiding.
They also stated that confessional writing is "self-indulgent." That's something I have certainly been accused of. I don't feel any shame around that one. I am self-indulgent. I invite you do some "self-indulgent" writing or art this week. Why?
When I'm not indulging myself by CREATING aka making art or writing I tend to be indulging myself by overeating. Or overindulging myself by making excuses about why/how things aren't working out. Why/how I can't create because of the sign the moon is in, planets in Rx, or some other external reason That is known as a power give-away.
In totally self-centered and self-indulgent mode "It's all about me." and in getting back our power mode it's also "It's all about me." What I want to create. Time and space to discover - What I'm pretending not to know and/or not know how to do. We are giving away our power when we want someone else to give us the answers. I know this one well :)
How do we do get clarity around our TRUE questions and find answers aka action steps? By Meeting Our Guides and DEEPLY Meeting Ourselves. I'm starting another round of Meet Your Guides. This round is a 4 week immersion. If Meet Your Guides was being reviewed by a literary critic they may say it was too self-indulgent and confessional. Why? Because MeetIng Your Guides (with me) brings up everything you have been trying to "not know" about yourself. Are you ready?
tomorrow 7/29 at 11:00 am pacific. See you on the call. 605-562-3140 access code 662725#
I'm only sending out the recording to people who are live on the call or who request the recording. Remember my Life Purpose requires I convert skeptics- but only my skeptics. The people who need an opening and an invitation to something they know deep-down that they are being called to do.
The Truth Teller is Welcome,
p.s. Occasionally I will pull a card before a call. For last weeks free call I asked "What is the theme of this call?" and received Raven from the "What's Your Spirit Animal?" deck. "Who am I for this call?" Raven again from the Druid Oracle deck. 121 cards and I received 2 Ravens. Sometimes things are that undeniably clear.