Come Play With Me

Yay! You're here and ready to go on this Journey with me. Not speaking our truth is the #1 way we abandon and betray ourselves. This includes speaking the truth about how we feel. During this time with me I will lovingly challenge you to FEEL all your feelings especially the deeply buried ones and the ones you may have been shamed for having in the past. I am not going to let you b.s. yourself or me. We will get to the core of your deeply rooted emotions so you can be Deeply Rooted in Your Sense of Self. Remember the image of Snow White with the "Poison Apple" in her throat? As Isha Lerner says in the Inner Child Tarot - no one can take that apple out of Snow White's throat but herself. This Apple is Wisdom that the Tribe insisted you swallow and under that is the Wisdom of Your Body. I will be encouraging you to let yourself "let go" during this course in the same way singing or acting coaches instruct their students to let go and lose control so the audience can feel the EMOTION.

The How:

4* calls in which I will guide you to the parts of your body in which deeply rooted emotions are buried or stuck. You will feel these emotions and send me e-mails letting me know what comes up. Talking about feelings is not the same as FEELING our feelings and can keep us stuck in our heads.

Making Collages. My #1 tool for seeing what I might not want to or be able to see. Your subconscious will reveal directly to you - what messages have not been getting through to you.

Creating rituals for yourself. You will have me to call upon so you are not doing an empty ritual that looks or feels good but does not STIR YOUR SOUL.

Creating and Choosing an empowering story that gives you a sense of purpose.

Keeping an Emotion Journal.

We are going to begin this on March 21rst. We will have a group call every 10 days

The Investment:

$497 investment. 4 - 30 minute 1:1 sessions with me + 4 group calls. Bonuses: *** What's Your Spirit Animal book + deck by Kelly Eckert. If you have this book and deck already you can choose either Inner Child Tarot or Voyager Tarot. These are the decks I work with the most. *** 4 - 15 minute hot seats with me on any area of your hands. I will send you out an inking kit. *** My newsletter and 1 call a month over the next 12 months starting on April 21rst.

$297 investment. 2- 30 minute 1:1 sessions with me + 4 group calls. Bonus: *** My newsletter and 1 call a month over the next 12 months starting on April 21rst.

$97 investment 4 group calls. No 1:1 sessions with me. If you decide you need 1:1 sessions with me you will be able to purchase them at a special rate of $97 during the 4 weeks of Deeply Rooted.

Deeply Rooted

The power to transform our lives is directly tied into how willing we are to face what we have been avoiding feeling. I created Deeply Rooted because I would get to a certain level of money, intimacy or vulnerability and then I would feel stuck or trapped like I couldn't go any further. Coaching did help. I had breakthroughs but eventually I would hit an emotional wall and I knew I had to go deeper than surface fixes.

Are you: Confused because you don't know what changes you are being asked to make? Spending a lot of energy protecting yourself from pain, disappointment or ridicule? Tired of being tired, exhausted and/or broke? Selling yourself short? Frustrated that not enough people are listening to what you are saying? Craving intimacy but numbing out with food/thinking/isolating instead?

During Deeply Rooted you will come face to face with the amount of buried energy and emotions you have in your Root and learn how to use this energy to move forward. Through the end of August you can purchase the recordings of my 7 call Deeply Rooted series for $147 $127.

You can’t be Deeply Rooted in yourself if you are not allowing yourself to feel and express ALL of your emotions.

At the end of Deeply Rooted I aim to have you feeling ...

Courageous enough to FEEL and Express the Feelings people shamed you for having Courageous enough to Speak Your Truth Bold enough to risk rejection Enough Love for yourself that you stop rejecting yourself and your gifts. Brave enough to see with the Eyes of your Child Self and Speak and Trust what you see. (Think little boy in Emperor Has No Clothes) Vulnerable enough to show your Enthusiasm Vulnerable and brave enough to Risk being Intimate Brave enough to STAND OUT

The How:

7 calls in which I will guide you to the parts of your body in which deeply rooted emotions are buried or stuck. Talking about feelings is not the same as FEELING our feelings and can keep us stuck in our heads.

Making Collages. My #1 tool for seeing what I might not want to or be able to see. Your subconscious will reveal directly to you – what messages have not been getting through to you.

Creating and Choosing an empowering story that gives you a sense of purpose. As a wise person once said "The Story you Tell is the Story You Live."

Keeping an Emotion Journal in which you will document what came up for you on these calls and in the days following. I find people get all kinds of great insights and action steps during deep emotional work and then "conveniently" forget them. You will start to cut through your own "fog" by facing head on and working with what YOU got for yourself during these calls.

I suggest you give yourself 7-10 days in between recordings (this is the way I led the series live) to see what comes up. If you find you want a 1:1 session with me at any time during this series. I will offer the sessions to you at a special rate. 7 calls for $127.

Power Hands

We all have a blind spot.  That place in our life where we seem to keep hitting an "obstacle."  That marking in our hands that even though we may be staring right at it- we don't want to see it.  For some of us it's a gift marking, for other the life lesson and for some people it's a marking that other hand analysts might not even point out to you.  It's easy to keep acting like this "obstacle" or "stuckness" is a problem that needs to be solved.  I'm going to be direct and call it like it is - the "problem" is not using our gifts.  And I will keep calling you (and me) out on it until we get out there and wake more people the f*ck up. Powerless people can't change anything- not even themselves. During your 4 Hot Seats with me we will get to the core of your "struggle" with Power. I do believe that a trip to the Underworld is to help us get back power that we gave away. This can feel like it was taken away rather than "given" away. We will also look at where and how you are being called to love yourself.

If you wish to be included in the hot seats- these will be done on a private call - through the end of February it's $97.

You'll receive: 4 - 12 minute hot seats with me. 12 calls focusing on a different theme each month. These will include energy work and action steps.

If you just wish to join in Journey Through Your Hands (without the hot seats) it's $47 for this 8 call series.

You Have No Idea What Could Happen in The Next 3 weeks ...

“In Order to Manifest You Need to Cause a Disturbance” – Denise Dee During the next 3 weeks the Brouhaha Festival will be disrupting our lives to get us to live from our SOUL. Once the rubble settles you'll see yourself and your gifts in a whole new Light !!!

Brouhaha means to cause a disturbance. Create a ruckus. Stir things up. Brouhaha is a 21 day virtual festival filled with provocative workshops and rituals.  Brouhaha is for people who are here to create new paths which do not currently exist. That sounds great and it's not always easy!

Have you struggled to find your voice? People who "get" you? To find your home? Do you ever feel like someone else has to translate what you are saying for "normal" people? Have you ever tried to deny your gifts because you were afraid of or didn't fully understand them? Did you ever feel like you had to hide some part of yourself to be loved?

You'll feel at home at Brouhaha. Buy your Brouhaha All-Access pass here and save $200.

 

Brouhaha is for writers, spiritual teachers, artists, innovators and visionaries. Brouhaha is also for people whose gifts sometimes make them feel lonely. If you've ever felt like no one understands you - come to Brouhaha. We will help you discover the words to sell your unique gifts and talents to the world.  Brouhaha begins on 10/22.

For Brouhaha 2015 I reached out and invited people whose work inspires and excites me to lead workshops at Brouhaha. 10 workshops, 5 rituals plus awesome bonuses. One of your friends just reached out to you with an invitation to attend Brouhaha for $97. They are handing you a $200 savings! Grab your All-Access pass right now & you get to bring a friend for free! There are only 5 available at this price.

 

The Center of Attention + I Am Special

If we're not conscious about wanting to be the Center of Attention we may be acting this out in all kinds of crazy ways. Dramatic relationships, being broke, needing to be rescued, sulking, anger, martyr, victim.During these two calls my guides challenged us to look and own how and we where we are being called to be the Center of Attention. The calls are filled with provocative questions and action steps. They are going to challenge you to look beyond how you normally see your life and your "limitations" into what is possible when you give yourself permission to be special and to be the center of attention. You will also receive 8+ pages of notes I transcribed after the calls. Plus as a bonus you will receive my Sept 27th Eclipse call. Investment is $47 for the Leo New Moon calls. (Please know all these calls are bonuses with the Brouhaha All-Access pass which is $147 through the end of August.)

Purchase the Leo New Moon calls here

Purchase the Brouhaha All-Access pass here. $147 through 8/31. 15 workshops + 5 rituals + bring a friend free + bonus calls including those listed above.

You Won't Believe What I Just Spent Thousands of Dollars on ...

I paid top dollar to get this new headshot taken, what do you think?  Makes me look a lot softer and more approachable doesn't it? Denise57

A fast recap if you are just joining in.  My mission and I chose to accept it is to Redefine Soul.  I came to liberate souls from the good or bad box.  To bust you out of what you can and can't do.  To free you from the prison of "If I do, be or say this then they'll love me." The Redefined Soul creates their own purpose and meaning and lives by how they feel and trusts their innermost knowing.  The Redefined Soul may have a guide that looks and sounds just like them. I spent my childhood in a church apologizing to god for "having offended thee." I'm done apologizing for being me.  (You may hear me saying this again.  The redefined soul is not ashamed of "do-overs.")  This is my almost 57 year old face in harsh bathroom light.  What you see is what you get.  Cue horn section.  I've been sick this week.  Feverish with a sore throat.  This wild burning came up after a dis-spiriting call.  Make sure you get the right kind of support! I cancelled some sessions with clients yet I also kept a few appointments because I knew something would come up in those sessions that I needed to hear. Ended up talking with one client about her upcoming Pluto-Moon conjunction.  I made a silent note to self to check on the Pluto conjunctions to my personal planets.  Pluto conjuncted my Mercury and Venus before I was 3.  Cue flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz.  Shadow and Death are as important to me as my Soul. Why?  Because it's part of my soul.  I hereby declare Dark is as crucial a part of the soul as Light. I was laughing hysterically about this Pluto biz with a client today.  Pluto the old "let's strip you down until we get you to what's authentic about you."  What does a 3 year old know from authentic?  Nonetheless I must have volunteered to go to the Underworld 6 times before the age of 3.  Does that mean it still can't have f*cking sucked?  I am not now nor will I ever be a fan of spiritual bypassing.  If I'm in, I'm all in.  I know my kind of language is not for everyone and if you heard my "F*ck Being Dispassionate." call on Wednesday - you heard how much I laugh. Pluto- Moon looks like this to me. bpm2 Stanislav Grof calls this BPM II - This episode belongs perhaps to the worst experiences a human being can have. The fetuses both mechanically and chemically alienated from the mother with no possibility of immediate escape which may be later manifested as feelings of being trapped, of being hopelessly caught and overwhelmed.  I call this "One of us is going to be killed and I hope its you." Let me quote more from Dr. Grof-  It is somehow silently accepted that the delivery means suffering for the mother, but is hardly experienced on a subjective level by the child. All speculations about subtle traumatization in the first months of life seem to be absurd if the traumatic effect of the birth is denied. If the birth trauma is experienced subjectively, then it is on a completely different level of importance than any later psychological traumatization. It is a situation involving vital emergency, fight for breath, imminence of death and is comparable only to other situations involving agony and dying. So howya just going to let that go? Yes he was a pioneer in LSD psychotherapy and also in holotropic breathwork. His work speaks to my soul.  I believe he was trying to Redefine Soul.  Anyone pushing the boundaries of what's acceptable is redefining soul. I spent hours on the phone this week feeling as if I was choking when people were telling me stories that they made up to not feel the depths of the pain inside them.  I understand how hard it is/was to be a child and to feel like we had to protect our mother or father.

I had to keep a whole lot of secrets. How many secrets did you have to keep? God forbid, you reveal those secrets because then you betrayed the tribe.  We see the themes of our childhood secrets reverberating through our lives. Who is telling you that you are betraying them or a code and what is that code? Who or what are you loyal to?

How have I made myself a tribe of one?

How can I be loyal to myself and also have a tribe? How do I know what my own intuition is if most of my energy is being spent on feeling other people's feelings? My intuition may be saying “Get the hell out of here!” and my empathic heart may be saying “Oh, that would be mean.” How could I be saying/feeling/thinking that?”  Like when we knew we need to break up with someone or quit a job, but say “Just 6 more months then  _____”  We act like we are staying for someone else but we are really staying for ourselves. (more on this on my next call)

To me psychic energy cuts through confusion.  I see the picture of what I need to do and there is no emotion there.  Psychic could seem colder or more removed.  Psychic can seem upper or above.  We’re observing from above.  To me what I see in psychic space is factual information.

Psychic guidance doesn’t have that light/heavy “scale”  I don’t have to ask how it feels.  It just is.  How I feel about it doesn’t matter.  Some of you are using "It doesn't feel good" when the truth is "I'm scared to ..." 

Big changes do not always feel good. For today let me leave you with: There are no off-limits feelings.  There are no off-limits feelings.  There are no off-limits feelings.   The Truth Teller is Welcome.  The Truth Teller Welcomes ALL feelings. Denise

"We Ain't Goin Out Like That"

Saturday night downtown L.A. a few thousand people turned out for "65-92:The Rhythm Changes but the Struggle Remains."  A powerhouse lyrical and musical extravaganza speaking to the Watts Rebellion and the Rodney King uprising.  Jazz Music from 65 + Hip-Hop from 92 bumping up against other and creating a conversation like I've never heard before. The first convo between Charlie Mingus + Snoop Dogg was mind-blowing especially when Kamasi Washington was doing turntable beats on the sax. A couple times during the night he raised his fist in the black power salute while playing one-handed sax.

"I Ain't Goin Out Like That" (Cypress Hill) felt like a siren call. Everyone around me shouted "We Ain't Goin Out Like That."  This is my kind of inspiration, it's what fuels my soul.  Seeing people move and be moved by words that express what we're all feeling - but might not have known how to put into words.  Those 6 words exploded with energy. 

I'm fueled equally by Danger and Wonder.  Curiosity is not safe.  Never has been, never will be- it's going to open doors some people would prefer remain closed.  But I Ain't Goin Down (yep I meant down) like that hiding behind a closed door. Are you?

When we're in the midst of a experience where everyone is drawn together by a shared passion - it's hard not to wonder how can we have more of this?  I have no idea what is going to inspire anyone else.  My job as a writer and artist is to give myself over to what inspires me.  Because when I'm as ALIVE, electric, inspired, passionate and on fire as I can be I know it's going to draw people to me.  

On my walk this morning I was thinking about how even though intellectually or conceptually we may understand that tomorrow isn't promised to anyone, it's not like most of the people I interact with daily are walking on streets where we fear for our lives.

I started to think about "in the moment" again after the show last night.  Time was the narrator of the performance.  Time was embodied by Patrice Quinn.  Time spoke to us of slave uprisings, of migration from the south to L.A., quoted us voices from Watts and South Central, of the drugs brought into inner city neighborhoods.

As Time kept talking you could feel the pressure building.  Built-up pressure has to be released. She spoke of uprisings.  Kamasi spoke of how the music of a time speaks of the people of that time.  Time spoke of the ways we live and what we create when we are willing to die to our "enforced identity" and take a stand for our freedom. 

What's your "I ain't goin out like that?"  What impact do you want to make?  Last night Time called out "Burn Baby Burn," and turned her body into a flame twisting and turning.  What's burning in your belly?  What's burning in your mind? What's burning in your heart?

Sometimes if we're around people who are afraid of their power or passion it's hard to let ours burn.  We may feel we have to tame it or that it's going to overtake us.   

There are many ways to be overtaken by "spirit" and many of them do not involve getting quiet or centered.  Once spirit/guidance/passion truly overtakes us we are no longer in control. (But not in the way those churches told us.)  We are no longer in control because our Creativity can't be controlled.  As my guides said tonight "Nothing is off limits in the 2nd chakra."  Nothing is taboo or off limits when you are creating.  And yet some of us are afraid of what we are going to discover or should I say uncover buried in our own bodies.  We're going to explore this in August.

More on this on my free call on Wednesday.  Would love to have you there!  It's at 11:00 am pacific/noon mountain/1:00 central/2:00 eastern you can call in at 605-562-3140 access code 662725#.

Grateful to every artist, musician and writer who sparks fire by speaking truth.

The Truth Teller is Welcome,

Denise

p.s.  I will be making a special offer to those of you who are on the call or who request the recording.

Do You Need to Put Up a "Do Not Disturb" sign or take one down?

What are most of your rituals or habits around? When I had a trainer the "sounds good" answer to why I work out was "mood control." And I don't feel great when I don't exercise. I see so many people who are afraid of strong emotions. How many of our relationships even with ourselves have elements of controlling or not showing strong feelings?

By the way did you know our "Best Action" comes from tapping into our strongest feelings? Not our "highest" feelings - our most authentic feelings. I did a lot of walking as a child before how much I weighed entered my mind. Yet the heaviness of life was already weighing on me. I walked (many times) around the block and as soon as I was allowed to go further I walked to the hollow of Frick Park.

I loved Frick Park in all seasons. Once when I was back visiting I helped out my sister by taking her kids to the park every day. One of the nephews said "This is stupid, why do you do this same walk every day?" I tried to share with him about how if you were paying attention you noticed things shifting day by day. Then I remembered my mother and teachers shrieking "Pay Attention!" at me and felt bad. Why did paying attention feel like something serious, required and indeed forced upon us as children? What is the difference (if any) between concentration, paying attention and focus? As writers and artists I feel paying attention is our greatest gift and it's a different kind of forced attention we were taught as children.

If you're ready to pay attention to your signs and guidance and also to Discern and Take action read this

In the woods I automatically went on soft focus. As soon as I step into the woods my thinking brain gets quiet and the sensual part of my brain feels more alive. I almost used the word alert and then realized alert (which I think of as heightened awareness) is generally used in the warning "Pay Attention" "Danger" way. Hmm. Let me go look it up. Vocabulary.com popped up with a quiz saying "Alert also means" and gave 4 choices of which the correct answer was alive. Alert = Alive.

Being alive carries with it all kinds of risks and danger. When was the last time you took a risk? Was it emotional, intellectual, physical - some other kind? How much of our lives are structured around avoiding risks? I'm giving myself an assignment to take 3 risks this week.

Why or when does something that brings us focus become something that we use to escape or run away from life? I'm not talking about the times or moments when we need to shut the bathroom door, or go on an hour long walk or on a drive. I'm talking about the "room" in our heads that becomes more important than being in a room with people? The experience we had as children or teenagers (typed that as teen-angers) can get us stuck in a room with a permanent "Do Not Enter" sign on the door and it can be hard sometimes to tell if we are locked in or locked out.

You know I am not advocating giving up the creative, private and precious room that you do your creating in. I am advocating looking at the "positive" and "negative" aspects of where and how we have locked ourselves away and/or never allow ourselves to shut or lock a door.

I require a certain amount of time each day with myself. It's my "writing time" whether I actually have pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. Sometimes my writing time looks like staring at a wall, going to the library, pulling books off of a shelf or shooting photos. Sometimes I forget that it is also going OUT to hear other writers read or having conversations.

What you are you paying attention to? Can we force ourselves to pay attention? Didn't work for me. I have to be drawn in by something that compels my attention or intrigues me. I can make myself show up but I can't force interest.

Sometimes it's guidance that is telling us to make an unexpected turn and sometimes it's our inability to read a map (me) that brings us somewhere we hadn't planned on going. People regularly are befuddled that I can't read maps. "It's easy." they say. Not for me. Or is not easy because even if I could read a map I would probably refuse to follow it? The way I refuse to follow or do anything the way it's taught to me? I'll do it for awhile, then I get bored with it and start innovating. How about you? How willing are you to go off the map? Of the beaten path? Are we saying we are going off the map but still following the grooved in patterns in our brain (or in our hands?) Is that "Do Not Enter/Disturb" sign still up? And if so, is it for the reason(s) we want to have it up?

What are our reason for not wanting to be disturbed? Anywhere it's because it would be too much trouble to do things differently, to get involved, to be intimate to come out of a self-imposed shell - let's see if we can take the sign down for a week.

On the other hand if you don't have one up because it would be selfish, because people need me, because then god forbid I may actually have to create something and get out in the world with it, let's put a "Do not Disturb" sign up for a week.

Anytime we "waver" and allow ourselves to see or do things differently - be it ourselves, the world around us, our codes, why we are doing/not something, our marketing, how we define ourselves - in that moment of "waver" we create a new world of "What if I?" and "How about I?"

I knew going into writing 20-30 newsletters in 30 days that it was going to require me being willing to having to write whether I felt like I had something to say or not. That each day would require noticing and paying attention to things that maybe I wouldn't have noticed or paid attention to if I didn't have to write.

Where do you need to allow yourself to not be perfect? To show your "flaws"? We have all created a line that we are afraid or hesitant to cross. It's not a straight line it wavers. We are contradictory beings. How can you embrace and create from contradiction? That's where my lines wavers and it can be challenging yet liberating to step outside of definition(s).

The Truth Teller is Welcome, Denise

p.s. I loved when a New Age person told me if I didn't believe I would go into menopause I could avoid/postpone it. Why would I want to avoid menopause? One of the richest stages of life. What are you trying to avoid/postpone with positive thinking? What we're trying to avoid feeling is where our money is. Our "Best Action" comes from tapping into our strongest feelings.

p.p.s. Margaret Kilgallen was a S.F. Bay Area artist who died at 33. Check out her work (if you haven't already.) I hadn't thought about her for awhile until I made a "wrong turn" walking from the LAPL to Union Station and came across a block of graffiti near Indian Alley and then this poster. If I was paying attention to the map the frazzled librarian at the info desk had printed out for me I would have missed this intersection.

"We'd Appreciate It If the Questions You Ask Are Really Questions"

While walking to the red line to head downtown to the library for Unspeakable Empathy - the word resistance came up again. What I run up against with my clients and myself re: resistance is not so much Us not wanting to DO something, it's Us not wanting to FEEL something. I mentioned on my call on Wednesday that it's impossible to have emotional authenticity from a distance. What did I mean by that? We can't stay in observer and talk about our feelings a from a detached, distant place. There's no risk in that and to me emotional authenticity involves risk. If I'm afraid they won't love me ,then I need to say the thing I'm afraid they won't love me if I say it- not a sanitized version of it.

I also feel that being creative, being an artist involves risk. There's the "risk" when we go really deep into our creative state of discovering something we'd rather not know/face/express. I know for me that means I have to do it because if I don't, I'm choosing to remain complicit in my own invisibility and in the stories (aka lies in some cases) I've been telling myself . The truth will come out in ways shocking or not so shocking depending on how far we've pushed it down.

Check this out from the book "Female Brando" - I'm quoting from a segment in which Kim Stanley is starring as Elizabeth von Ritter in "A Far Country" on Broadway.

"Freud suggests to Elizabeth von Ritter that the paralysis in her legs is the subconscious result of her having refused to walk upstairs one night and give medicine to the sick father she had long been nursing, because she secretly wished he would die.

Sitting in the front row of the theater I watched Kim Stanley's cheeks turn bright red; then tears shot out of her eyes so fast and in such torrents that I clutched the edge of my chair. At that moment, the curtain started coming down as Ms. Stanley screamed with everything in her "No, it's a lie!" And when the curtain hit the stage floor, she continued screaming in the darkness.

People started grabbing at each other for they had just witnessed a great actress give a performance that didn't seem to be a performance at all but a trauma in a real person's life that we shouldn't be able to watch." - Larry Moss

Chances are pretty good that if Henry Denker had stopped to think about if his play (A Far Country) would make money, he never would have written it. I want everyone to make money from their art and I also want everyone not to be paralyzed by trying to create things through the lens of "It has to make money." or "Will this make money?"

So many people never get anything off the ground because they can't see how they are going to make money from it. So many of us seem to have beliefs about we can't make money from our art.

If I'm passionate about something I have to do it. For this week let's forget "How am I going to make money from it?" and create as if our life depended on it. (And it does)

You have to discover what you want/need to say to yourself and that may involve a lot of writing and painting. And forgetting about perfection. If you weren't obsessed with doing it wrong what would you do? If you weren't thinking about what other people would buy what would you create? The more passionate you are - the more people will pay attention. But first YOU have to pay attention to yourself.

Tonight at "Unspeakable Empathy*" - Meghan Daum read from "Unspeakable" and Leslie Jamison read from "The Empathy Exams." They both mentioned that they write to help themselves discover how they feel or think about something. (hmm. I just said that a few newsletters ago) For me this is one of the primary reasons we are alive, let alone why we are writing or making art. To discover ourselves.

To discover and celebrate the things we FEEL rather than what we are told "Everyone else _____" or "Everyone feels/thinks _______."

I loved that Leslie Jamison said when she is writing, if she notices she is telling the story in her "cocktail party" voice that she is telling the same old story and she is not discovering anything new.

So let's borrow that - we don't want to be telling the cocktail party version of our wound, trauma, divorce etc. We want to delve deep into "What am I really trying to avoid feeling?"

Over the past few days I've heard s lot of variations of "I'm afraid" followed by - 'It's going to take over (me/my life)" "Once I start, I'm not going to be able to stop." "I won't have any time to myself." What were we talking about when people said these words? Passion and Creativity.

We could have just as easily been talking about feelings. Losing Control. I knew my intent when I was kicking my father's shins in the alley as an 8 year old girl. I wanted to hurt him because he had hurt me by being checked out.

An 8 year may understand "he's mentally ill" but that didn't erase "I want a father." Later I felt guilty and mean. What kind of person kicks a mentally ill man in the shins? What started first? Other people calling me mean or me feeling mean?

What's the story you tell most often about yourself? Who do you feel most badly about hurting? Who hurt you the most ? How is this hurt keeping you closed off in one or more areas of your life /body?

The stories we tell ourselves often focus on what someone outside of us said when really we've been saying it to ourselves for so long it 's almost like we can't hear anything else.

Part of my work this year is not letting other people tell me where something inside me came from/originated/started. Because even when I was a child I knew that I couldn't buy the stories about whose fault it was that ________.

How many times did you scream (or say) "That's a lie" or "That's not true" as a child? How many times were either of those said to you? What was being covered up? (or trying to be covered up?) That's where buried treasure awaits.

More on this on my call next Wednesday.

The Truth Teller is Welcome, Denise

* presented by [ALOUD] at the downtown LAPL. ** loved it when Louise Steinman curator of [ALOUD] said while introducing the program "We'd appreciate it if the questions you ask are really questions."

it's 1:47 in the morning - I'd rather be sleeping but my guides say write so I'm writing.

We Can't Hear Our Guidance As Well When We Are ...

Last week I declared that I was taking time off of facebook to listen to myself. Today I invited the people in MYG to join me in staying offline as much as possible this week. This week is about honoring YOU and listening to your inner voice by writing, painting, drawing and not seeking outside feedback. We can’t hear ourselves or our guidance as well when we’re looking for approval or agreement. I write for myself. I write to discover what I need to say and what I need to hear. I'm not trying to figure out what other people want me to say. If I need to hear it I figure there are other people who need to hear it as well. People sometimes get mad at me because I don't want to have a lot of discussion about what I write or what I say. Those of us who had the validity of what we were seeing, feeling, experiencing, thinking, saying or creating constantly questioned or challenged- it's important to trust our own "this is what matters right now" and talk, write, and make art work about it.

If I'm not being real there's no way I can insist on my clients being real. We waste way too much time trying to figure out what other people find inspiring. If I'm not inspired there's no way I can inspire anyone else. When you have an impulse to express your self do it!!! Stop wondering if you should say it or do it in a differently.

If you're not sure what you want to say start writing about what's going on in your life. What keeps showing up? What are you riled up about? What's irritating the shit out of you? What inspired you today? Do you create time for inspiration to strike?

Who cares what marketing people, your business coach or your friends have to say about it? There are people who are thirsting and hungering for what pours out of you. When I started publishing my first punk litzine I had no idea what kind of an impact it was going to have. All I knew was a) I was tired of having to hide parts of myself b) I had nothing to lose c) I wasn't the only one who felt _______.

Here's where I was at:

(from Lobster Tendencies Issue 3 February 1983)

I had to fully claim this history and not let it limit or define me. I also knew I couldn't live in fear of judgment about "Who was I to ____?" "What right do you have to write about other people's lives?" "Aren't you concerned about hurting people?".

Honestly I wasn't concerned about that. Why? Because I'm cold? No, because I saw the "hurt" silence and pretending had caused and what they cost my family. I was concerned with stopping the pretense. I was also highly annoyed at the pretentiousness of who had a "right" to write and whose stories were worth telling. My boyfriend (at the time) had graduated from a prestigious arts college and was widely thought of as a genius. His friends treated me like an idiot savant or as a chick who was dabbling but would never be as brilliant as he was. (It won't surprise you to hear that I repeated this pattern for a good 20 years)

For the past month I've been thinking about how long I spent in the role of black sheep, scapegoat, the "bad" one and /or the troublemaker. When I wasn't reveling in those roles, I was trying to make other people "bad" so I could be "good." I was trying to make myself "right" which meant someone else had to be wrong. The weight of being (or feeling) measured against standards, morals and rules that weren't my own was taking up a lot of time and energy. (Saturn finger- bottom zone- we need "codes" - more on this during Journey Though Your Hands-starting again in August)

This morning I was thinking about the phrase "the heart wants what the heart wants." I've had friends say that to me when I was involved with people that others found confusing. I hear this phrase when people fall in love with someone taboo or off-limits. I was playing around with "the body wants what the body wants." Have you ever heard anyone say that one? Like it's okay if the impulse or urge is coming from the heart but not okay if it's coming from the vagina, penis or solar plexus?

Why is there this idea or belief that the impulses of the body under the heart aren't to be trusted? When people say "I had a gut feeling" - it always seems to be tied in with something that ended up going bad or that they shouldn't have trusted someone. Maybe because some of our guts are so dense or hollow that they're not registering joy, pleasure or excitement?

The fear of getting in trouble, doing something wrong or being judged seems to move around from the root, belly and the solar plexus to the brain.

I felt like doing cartwheels when the words "I Welcome Judgment" appeared on my path. Way to turn the "God will Judge You" warnings upside down. Ask yourself How much time and energy am I wasting not doing what I want to do to avoid judgment?

I don't have to defend or rationalize what I'm doing and neither do you. What matters is that we are living according to our guidance and our Inner Divine Will. If God's will and Divine will are outside of us (like they were in my childhood religion) it takes away our power and our responsibility. It takes away our creativity. This week let's focus on that - What is my inner divine will trying to get me to pay attention to? What is it calling me to feel, see, touch, love, create? What is it calling me to fight a little harder for and what is it calling me to walk away from?

When we work together I am going to hold you to expressing your Purpose. I am going to say things that you may find "judgmental." If it hurts it's either true or we are afraid that is true. Sometimes pain/hurt is there to help us pull the plug on the old story playing loudly in our head so we can listen to our inner divine will.

I know the buzzwords are "grace and ease" and I know that I've seen people knocked to their ass to get them reconnected with their inner divine will. It will be easier if we give up having to know the whole plan and all the details and take action on the first step. When I told you I saw you were going to write a book, or move, or be on stage in front of a lot of people - you may have gotten paralyzed in the what, how, when, who. We know the WHY is because it's part of your purpose. The question to ask is - What's the first step?

If we wait to take the first step until we know the whole picture we may stay frozen or keep spinning. I trust that taking the first step shows committed and that commitment reveals more steps.

We'll be looking at guidance, trust and first steps on my call on Wednesday.

The Truth Teller is Welcome,

Denise