I tried to cover up how deeply I felt, how lonely I was, and how much I wanted love by acting like I didn't give a shit. During this gorgeous Summer of Opportunity how & what are you being called to Open To?
I didn't sleep very well last night. This wasn't because I was woken up by my guides with insights or because I was woken up with my creative juices flowing. I didn't sleep well because I was tossing and turning over a situation where I didn't follow my gut. I did a power giveaway, second guessed myself and allowed myself to fall into the kind of situation that involves having to have an "uncomfortable" conversation.
Why didn't I follow my guidance/gut? Because I fell into my "Maybe that's mean" student path of love - where "love means caring more about someone else's feelings/needs than my own." (Which is really just doublespeak for I don't want to have to talk about it because if I talk about it and you don't like it you may not love me anymore.)
So now I was going to have to tell someone how I felt. Super easy for me to do when I'm writing - not so easy for me to do when I have to speak. The master path of the School of Love (one of the schools I'm in) is being emotionally authentic. That sounds like a no-brainer, right? Yet in order to be emotionally authentic we have to know how we feel.
I've had people ask me "Who doesn't know how they feel?" Considering how many of us grew up in households where either we (or one of our parents) were checked out of our bodies a good percentage of the time, it's not surprising that feelings can seem confusing, vague, numb or untranslatable. Feelings can seem like an unfamiliar language or unmapped territory.
The primary language spoken in my childhood home was silence. How about yours? Silence is useful for poets, musicians, existentialists and other moody sorts but is not the best language for a child to learn feelings in. Kind of funny how the moodier I feel the less I speak. I get grumpy, grudgy, withholding and wanting to people to decipher my gestures, face and inflections. Shit, you mean I spent all that time deciphering gestures and reading silence as a child (not that anyone asked me too) and now no one will do it for me?
Here was my default mode for many - way too many years:
I did give a shit but was covering up how deeply I felt, how lonely I was, and how much I wanted love by acting like I didn't give a shit. Of course anyone even slightly paying attention could have seen right through my defense(s). Yet sometimes it seems like it's easier to play along.
People have told me "You shouldn't tell clients xyz." "Are you sure you want to share that with a client?" You know what? I played hide and seek in way too many of my relationships my whole life. I am truly an expert at what needs to be felt and spoken in order to set you free. I see it and I will hold you to it. As one of my clients said "You wouldn't let me stand in the shadows of my truth."
Are you tired of being on the sidelines? In the shadows? If you're tired of "playing along" and want to work with someone who has played a lot of defensive games and can see through most of them contact me for a discovery session. firstname.lastname@example.org
We say we want to feel free but when the walls start coming down, when the softening and the realization of "I can't keep doing things this way" set in - it's tempting to pull the drawbridge back up and keep people out. To try to retreat back to "I can do it myself."
We can't do it alone.
I have abandonment and betrayal in my hands. The master path of these markings is to realize where and how we have abandoned and betrayed ourselves. To stop the incessant wound feeding - the wound like the hungry ghost never stops being hungry- and allow ourselves to be fed by feeling and speaking about all our feelings.
A childhood filled with strongly felt but unexpressed feelings made me feel like I was behind a glass wall observing but not participating in life.
I was arguing back and forth with myself this morning about the phone calls I was going to have to make today. How much to reveal? How much is enough "emotional authenticity? The first person I contacted couldn't talk for 4-5 hours so that left me with plenty of time to hit the streets and find my answers.
For the first few miles I was barely paying attention to what was going on. I was texting back and forth with a mentor of mine. I got really clear I needed to step out of "mean" and into ME. Here's what I've wanted since I was a child. The power to feel, find and define my truth and my feelings.
Because truth can only come when we are seen (see) clearly and maybe we have to be able to see ourselves clearly before anyone else can see us. I believe this is our strongest yearning. I am grateful that I am working with someone who helped me get to the point where I can see myself much more clearly.
Sweat was pouring out of my body as I picked up the pace on my walk. And I started to cry. Why? Because I knew I needed to have the conversations my way. Not the way a "business owner" would have the conversation. I need to stand in and be ALL of me with every person I interact with.
What I know is as a mentor I will hold you to your truth. I will help you find your truth and your answers. And if I'm not writing and talking about my truth than how the hell are you supposed to trust me? If I'm not exposing myself- then why should you expose yourself? I'll go first.
Part of the master path of school of love is not waiting for other people to reveal themselves to figure out if it's safe to reveal ourselves. The master path is also about doing the things we are afraid that we will lose love if we do them. You can see why my "I don't give a shit." was such a sad see through attempt at trying to hide my vulnerability. We can also do this by rushing to our head or leaving our body. If I'm not in my body I don't need to FEEL. And really isn't life all about FEELING?
I ended up at Echo Park lake (man made reservoir turned lake) one of my favorite places to walk. They drained the lake a couple years ago and it took two years for the lotus flowers to return. The lushness is intoxicating. I was bewitched by this bee darting in and out of the flower drinking.
Yesterday my guides asked "How strong is your will to live?" My will to live is quite strong. My will to live as fully Denise as I can was woken up by Los Angeles. In this city where supposedly image is everything people smile at and speak to me every day.
I felt invisible for so much of my life and only added to that invisibility by my masks and personas. l looked really good but I was keeping myself at arms length from people. And I now know that the only visibility I care about is being able to show ALL of me and to be there for you so you can reveal ALL of you.
I see your layers and I want you to see mine. For a long time I could only see beauty in the dark side of life. I didn't dare allow myself to believe that I could find warmth and love and appreciation for ALL of me.
The phone calls went amazingly gorgeously "I feel seen" well. I shared with one of the people what I was advised to do on the call with her and that I just couldn't do it because it didn't feel authentic. She shared with me that she had always asked for the truth and felt like people were holding back. Holding back does not create trust. She told me that she hired me because she knew I would not hold back.
This to me is love. I did what I needed to do to love myself. This miraculously fed someone else's deep need and made us trust each other even more. I didn't do if for that reason I did it for me. I did it because how can I expect people to trust or love me if I don't trust and love myself. It can be scary to love ALL of ourselves, not just the so called love-able parts.
My mother was born on July 20th. She died in August in 1993. In the weeks before her death I saw her little girl face. I don't want to wait until the weeks before I die to reveal myself unmasked. My heart aches with the grief of the weight of her inability to let anyone get close to her. But did that stop me from living 40+ years of hiding a huge part of me?
This is such a profound time of OPENING - I am crying so much and dreaming so deeply. I would love to assist you with your opening and I will be making a very special offer for 3 people during the call. All of you who keep telling me you are broke or don't have money- do not miss this call. I'm holding my hand out with a great offer but you have to reach out to receive it.
The Truth Teller is Welcome.